HOPEFUL (found lost posting from May 2011)

Feeling hopeful ~ As the weather slowly attempts to shed winter and blossom into Spring, I feel this little bubble of hope floating around within me, turning dark corners into light, conversation into laughter, smiling without it being a reaction to something external, it feels good to smile and ‘be’ happy.  And hopeful. Just the other day I found myself in a really good mood and had no idea why.  As the thought floated through me I realized the happiness was coming from inside me, pure and simple; not from something or someone else, with that awareness, I embraced the feeling, walked down the sidewalk smiling and laughing aloud, enjoying the moment.

 

I want to take the feelings of hopefulness;  happiness ~~ expanding it, pushing everything else out of its way.  It feels like POWER, all positive, all strong, all kinds of light and yes, even a bit sexual. Reminding me that dreams and goals are reasonable ~~ actually Achievable! It is possible to become even healthier, stronger, that I can improve upon my running, that I can take myself to an other level of fitness and speed. That finances will finally fall into place, and grow.  That my specialty career will grow in new and organic ways, feeding my happiness and peace further. And the one I fear the most ~~ that there is love out there for me.  A love that is a perfect fit, customized to my personality, or personalities depending on who you ask.  At times I think I have found it; and other times I think unless I am found it doesn’t really matter much what I think I found.  I want to believe in the love that comes first with friendship; that grows into loyalty, trust, laughter, fun, quiet moments, adventure and the deal breaker is I want, want for both of us, to be able to open our hearts and really share ourselves without fear or judgement. Joining the emotion, the desire for a strong physical connection, one that can slide from gentle, timid, to robust and athletic.  And that there will be constant kisses and the soft touch, the holding of hands.  Kisses that start with saying good morning, and a hundred other reasons from hello, “your funny”, I love you, to good night.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEQM0lbKPNg&feature=related

“Summoning up a true love spell called Amas Veritas.  He will hear my call a mile away. He will whistle my favorite song. He can ride a pony backwards.  He can flip pancakes in the air. He’ll be marvelously kind. And his favorite shape will be a star. And he’ll have one green eye and one blue.”</a> I want to believe I have had this journey in life so my future can embrace all new adventures, love, and friendships with a zeal and confidence.  And that when the love arrives, I will recognize it, welcome it, not avoid it or run from it. And when I do run that I run for Myself, for peace within myself, not to run from anyone or any circumstance.

Hopeful and Happy ~  And wishing the same for you ❤

 

The adventure of a 40 something, over weight wanna be runner

I love to run.  I ran as a teenager in high school, primarily because I had cut my physical education classes so many times that I had to make up them up before being able to graduate.  So along with taking the class during the day I had make up classes both before and after school.  The make up classes were plain and simple:  running.  Running around the gymnasium, running around the tennis courts, running around the baseball fields.  The last make up class I ran (around the gymnasium, the teacher yelled out to me, ‘see you at graduation’)  I believe I was running about 10 miles a day, and was running home afterwards.

I graduated…and stopped running.

Moving forward many moons ~~

A year and a half ago I participated in a 5k walk for a friends benefit, before we had even started our walk the runners were coming in, all ages, shapes, sizes, all pretty much looking exhausted, but Happy and Strong and Confident and Determined. I felt such excitement watching them, and it clicked in my mind, I can do that – I will do that, I will run!  And next year when I return to this event I will be running the 5k!

The commitment had been made, I had thrown down a new challenge to myself, and actually could feel the confidence in the decision.  And for the record I still had fear, lots of fear, but kept repeating to myself, ‘Scared, do it anyway’ and who had to know?  Famous last words, as much as I am was afraid of embarrassing myself, I also knew I couldn’t do it alone.  So I began by telling a couple of friends on Facebook, one who had begun running earlier that year that I had been encouraging via internet and knew she would do the same for me. I also decided to sign up for a couple of 5K’s to keep me motivated and committed.

My very next 5K was three weeks from the day I made the decision to start to run.  I use the term ‘run’ loosely, I would run from mailbox to mailbox and rest for three, and do it again, I had made as far as mailbox to corner but no stretch of the imagination was I a ‘Runner’.

I made it to the race a nervous wreck but with a power aid by my side, my friend had flown in to visit local family and drove up to me to run the race with me.

Wahooo, the gun fires!!!!  We are Off!!!  My friend flies past me towards the front of the pack, I just keep reminding myself to breath, if I hold my breath I will faint, and dear how embarrassing that would be, so just keep breathing and moving.  And that lasted about 100 feet, LOL~  my lungs were on fire, my head was buzzing and oh yes I decided I needed to pee.  This was not the vision I had in my mind; you know the one, your body decides oh yes, this is the right thing for you, you will float down the path with speed and grace, you look like you were born a runner, you look and feel just as fit, lean and healthy as you did in high schooll.  Well the pin popped that vision QUICK!  Trust me I wanted to just stop right there, turn around and say this is not for me.  Luckily I had a couple of things going for me; first my friend came to support me and without it being said made me accountable to myself.  Second, I had set myself up by announcing publicly that I was doing the race, I told friends, co-workers and yes, I put it on Facebook, along with pre race pictures.  So how do you quit?  You don’t.  And I knew exactly what I was doing when I put out there to the universe, and I knew I wanted to succeed, and I knew I had to find a serious way to get my body into a healthier state and a method to lose a serious amount of weight.

So I went on walking as briskly as I could, and a couple of little spurts of running in the beginning.  I had made it to about a third of the way when my friend passed me in the opposite direction on her way to the finish line, yelling to me ‘you look great, you can do it!’  I wanted to yell back, ‘you liar’ but I smiled and cheered for her too and I kept going, and going, and going.  Again having doubtful thoughts, and deciding that all I had to do was finish this one, and I never had to put myself through this again.

I was exhausted about a half mile or so from the finish line thinking that I had lost my mind believing I could run, at that moment my friend ran back to where I was walking, and walked in with me.  Amazing, she kept spirits up, encouraged me and reminded me it was not a race but a journey.  When we crossed the finish line I cried a little, and once again made the promise to myself.  I can and will do this ~

Friends

One year later I RAN at the race where I decided I could be a runner.

Not only did I run, I was down three pant sizes and 60 pounds!!  That was my 10th race, so I decided to challenge myself again, I decided that my 10th race should be the 10K!  I came in last —- Dead Last, but I finished and I was so proud of myself!  My family was there to celebrate with me, my running friends were with me virtually, the only words I had strength to post were ’10k’  and the rest is history!

I continue to struggle at times, and get a bit lackadaisical.  But one thing I know for certain, I Love To Run!  And will continue to grow with taking care of myself (not my weight)  and expand my ways of exercise, and distance in running.  Is that a half marathon I hear calling my name?

 

Blossoming Self ~~

I have yet to start to feel comfortable writing, I sit and struggle with where to begin, how generic my expressions should be since just about everything in life is connected to another person.  I do know my heart is leading this adventure and it wants to write, to unleash many unspoken emotions, desires, hope and even the unwanted. This blog is the place I am giving myself permission to step out and explore; to find my authentic self.  This blog is putting to rest the person who has laid just below the surface, the one who quietly moved along in life, while doing all that was ‘expected’ of her.  The good daughter, loyal employee, the Mom, the lover who allowed herself not to be first in the relationship, thinking everyone else was just a bit more important than myself.  This blog is peeling away another layer, and getting me closer to a life that is filled with truth, laughter, light,and most importantly,  love  🙂

I recently began to embrace that there is no one more important in my own life, than myself.  Without starting here, there really is nothing to share with anyone else.  I first started to learn that lesson physically a few years ago when I became ill and found myself home sick for months while the doctors poked, prodded and drew blood trying to find a concrete answer to the issues.  The lesson I learned; “you have to listen to your body, your spirit, your inner voice” when they start telling you that you are tired, emotionally, spiritually, physically or all of them, you must step back and not only rest, but replenish. This was an awakening for me, when I really started to peek my head out of the shell that covered my life.

And you know what really knocked me?  Was that when I looked around I saw so many of my friends, especially the women living at the same pace.  Task, Task, Task, little bit of laughter, Task, little bit of loving, career, Task, Task.  ugh.  Without any passion.  After that experience, I found myself parroting the ‘self help’ truth sayers, saying things that felt unfamiliar coming from my own tongue (still lack of courage)  but I felt safe speaking the words of others until I started to find my own words. I knew I had to learn myself how to live life with passion, and with “truth” being the leader, not allowing the “people pleaser” to lead.  I had been hit with the reality, making others happy, did not necessarily mean it made me happy.  I had to learn to be truthful with myself, then to my child, then it began to flow to the others, and with truth, my passion started to trickle out.

Taking small steps in different areas of my life, I started to become truthful with myself, truthful with my word and meaning, to give myself permission to rest, (replenishing still look a while to embrace).   And one day I took a leap and tried on a dream I had for a long time, and not only ‘did it’ BUT ‘did it well’, and with flair, and fun, and laughter. WITH PASSION!!!!  The experience was such a rush, such a self esteem booster that I became the poster child for the phrases; “Scared?  Do it anyway”  and ‘If I could do XXXX, you can do XXXX.”

Today I am a lifetime or two away from my past and still reaching towards my future. Most days are good, hopeful, positive, filled with laughter, desire, and the belief in true love.  And some days not so much, but even on those days, I hang onto the good, not allowing myself to fall too far — usually.  But another lesson learned, when I do feel myself sliding back, I call in reinforcements, those who love me, those who will understand that particular hurdle and I allow them to encourage me, hug me, talk me off the edge, pick me back up and onto the path of light.

Namaste

This video came across my path early this morning, a true sign, for myself, and I hope for you also.

 

Determined —- it’s a good thing

When life is pulling at you, and there seems to a string of negative wrapping itself around you, what do you do?  You get happy of course!

Not always so easy to do.  Ever feel like it comes at you in waves?  Right now I have a full plate, the feelings of frustration and disappointment are actually palatable, I even had the thought of smacking someone upside their head.(no worries, I won’t)

The primary issue is caused by an individual who thrives in negative, meanness, and betrayal, provoking in me all types of negative feelings and thoughts but then I realized this is what the person wants from me. As I struggled to find calm in the waves of anger, a vision bubbled up in front of me – the word “Stop”.  I was giving away my power and the happiness that surrounds my life.

In an instant, I decided to make a quick mental grateful list, focus on my work, not the “crisis”, to listen to the comedy channel in my ear buds and fixate on the positive that surrounds me, the people who make me laugh, I allowed myself to spend to spend a little extra time with folks who wanted to chat, laugh and catch up at my desk, they were grounding me, they were clueless to their role.  At the end of the day, I realized I had completed a bit more than what was on my task list for the day, and I would have thought the opposite for the time I took away to chat.  But I think the good fairies came by and sped my work along so I wouldn’t walk away feeling guilty today too.

Even though my life isn’t Perfect, Life is pretty good.  I believe you have to find it in the small things and turn them into the cherished things, moments that you look back on and smile, or maybe even bring a tear to your eye.  You set the limits and the expectations of your life.  You can attract positive, you accept the mediocre or simmer in the negative.  You can embrace your life, or push people away.

Myself, I consider my life a small and simple one, I haven’t traveled the world, I don’t have deep pockets, but what I do know; I have heart and a deep soul, I am loyal, loving, respectful, a good friend, and dream of being a good partner one day.  I enjoy laughter, good music and positive encouragement.

And I wish for happiness, love and peace for each of you.

 

Happiness

 

Life Lessons – Life Circles

* * * * * Life has so many circles.  * * * * * *  Circles of life. * * * * *

I have just finished puppy sitting for my adult son and his girlfriend.  The puppy has an injury and needed a little TLC, I actually found this favor to be a bit of an honor and a reminder how grateful I am at this stage of my life.

Honored that my son bestowed upon me the faith to care for someone he loves, who is his family, not only trusted me to care for him but to help with his recovery. In the way my mind works, it was validation that I did OK as a Mom, as a caring person.  This thought and feeling, warmed my heart.

It also reminded me how grateful I am at this stage in my life.  I am grateful to be free of the responsibility of the intense daily obligation of caring for an other.  The fact of the matter is that up until approximately two years I have had the responsibility of taking taking care of someone since the age of 12 starting with my younger brothers, and then my son and I don’t mean babysitting when the parents went out for dinner, I mean truly being responsible for someone, from getting them up for school, breakfast, homework, doctor visits, counseling, breaking them out of school on the Friday of the Flower Market to go ride the rides and eat funnel cake & fries, etc. etc.

The important part of this is, my brothers are my foundation, my center and they helped me to become a good mother, a more accepting person.  They taught me lessons of compassion, structure, humor, eating habits, importance of reading, music, fun, discipline, friendship, mentoring, and it goes on and on. Without my brothers I wouldn’t be who I am today, and every day I grateful for each moment we have shared.  I look forward to seeing my middle brother again in heaven, catching up and hearing his perspective on how I did; as much I look forward to sharing the future adventures with my youngest brother who is still here with me and how our relationship has matured and taken on so many new roles in the past couple of years.

Taking myself to the present ~ watching the puppy.

He was sweet, well behaved, requiring lots of attention and care, I enjoyed giving all those things to him for the three days I watched him and I would gladly do it again.

The lesson of the present is the reminder of my freedom, of my true self.  The lesson is telling me, I need to keep myself moving forward, that enriching my life is as important as enriching the lives of my brothers and my son.  That it is OK that I take care myself; organically, spiritually, physically and that by doing so, I will continue to help their lives and those around me that I share friendship and love with daily.

So I am going to take a deep breath and remind myself of my the life lessons and that it is not only OK but the best decision in life to be true to one self, as it is to all others, to be forgiving of not only myself but to those who we are honored to call our friends, family and loved ones.

 

my first post. the weddings

I have attended two weddings in the last month, two entirely different styles, but both with the foundation of love and desire of forever.

The first one was a beautiful formal Catholic wedding where I sat in a pew along with six female friends.  At one point during the service I looked down the pew at my friends who were all dabbing tears from their eyes watching our beautiful friend become the wife of a good man, all the women are under the age of 40 a mixture of married, soon to be married and wishing to be married, and I found myself doing an internal eye roll.  I just couldn’t find the joy, I couldn’t find the hope, and I sadly found that being cynical was taking no effort at all, I wanted to turn to them and say it won’t last, and even if it does he will cheat, they all do, everyone does.   I don’t feel good about these thoughts, and found myself saddened that I am losing my faith in love and in marriage.

The second wedding, a casual affair surrounded by primarily the same group of friends, and during the cocktail hour one of the women at the table starts talking about her husband, and saying without embarrassment or apparent sadness, how much “she doesn’t like him” going on to say that he “is an irritant, he is socially awkward and likes to talk about politics so she doesn’t like to bring him to any functions, and that when the timing is right for her she will divorce him, BUT he is really is a good guy, a nice guy, and what she likes about him is that he does things for her, caters to her, actually worships her but not in an obsessive way.”  I just couldn’t help myself; aloud I respond ‘wow.’

I immediately have two thoughts almost simultaneously, one, I turn to my single friend and say; ‘that is the reason we are not going to settle, we will continue to wait for the right man, the man who fits us as well as we fit him, and I never want to sit and disrespect the man I love let alone myself is such a manner’, two, all while I think of the man who I would gladly share my entire heart and life with instead of the pieces we share now.

Am I reaching out of reality to believe that two lives and true love can come together between two people, and more importantly continue through time?