The adventure of a 40 something, over weight wanna be runner

I love to run.  I ran as a teenager in high school, primarily because I had cut my physical education classes so many times that I had to make up them up before being able to graduate.  So along with taking the class during the day I had make up classes both before and after school.  The make up classes were plain and simple:  running.  Running around the gymnasium, running around the tennis courts, running around the baseball fields.  The last make up class I ran (around the gymnasium, the teacher yelled out to me, ‘see you at graduation’)  I believe I was running about 10 miles a day, and was running home afterwards.

I graduated…and stopped running.

Moving forward many moons ~~

A year and a half ago I participated in a 5k walk for a friends benefit, before we had even started our walk the runners were coming in, all ages, shapes, sizes, all pretty much looking exhausted, but Happy and Strong and Confident and Determined. I felt such excitement watching them, and it clicked in my mind, I can do that – I will do that, I will run!  And next year when I return to this event I will be running the 5k!

The commitment had been made, I had thrown down a new challenge to myself, and actually could feel the confidence in the decision.  And for the record I still had fear, lots of fear, but kept repeating to myself, ‘Scared, do it anyway’ and who had to know?  Famous last words, as much as I am was afraid of embarrassing myself, I also knew I couldn’t do it alone.  So I began by telling a couple of friends on Facebook, one who had begun running earlier that year that I had been encouraging via internet and knew she would do the same for me. I also decided to sign up for a couple of 5K’s to keep me motivated and committed.

My very next 5K was three weeks from the day I made the decision to start to run.  I use the term ‘run’ loosely, I would run from mailbox to mailbox and rest for three, and do it again, I had made as far as mailbox to corner but no stretch of the imagination was I a ‘Runner’.

I made it to the race a nervous wreck but with a power aid by my side, my friend had flown in to visit local family and drove up to me to run the race with me.

Wahooo, the gun fires!!!!  We are Off!!!  My friend flies past me towards the front of the pack, I just keep reminding myself to breath, if I hold my breath I will faint, and dear how embarrassing that would be, so just keep breathing and moving.  And that lasted about 100 feet, LOL~  my lungs were on fire, my head was buzzing and oh yes I decided I needed to pee.  This was not the vision I had in my mind; you know the one, your body decides oh yes, this is the right thing for you, you will float down the path with speed and grace, you look like you were born a runner, you look and feel just as fit, lean and healthy as you did in high schooll.  Well the pin popped that vision QUICK!  Trust me I wanted to just stop right there, turn around and say this is not for me.  Luckily I had a couple of things going for me; first my friend came to support me and without it being said made me accountable to myself.  Second, I had set myself up by announcing publicly that I was doing the race, I told friends, co-workers and yes, I put it on Facebook, along with pre race pictures.  So how do you quit?  You don’t.  And I knew exactly what I was doing when I put out there to the universe, and I knew I wanted to succeed, and I knew I had to find a serious way to get my body into a healthier state and a method to lose a serious amount of weight.

So I went on walking as briskly as I could, and a couple of little spurts of running in the beginning.  I had made it to about a third of the way when my friend passed me in the opposite direction on her way to the finish line, yelling to me ‘you look great, you can do it!’  I wanted to yell back, ‘you liar’ but I smiled and cheered for her too and I kept going, and going, and going.  Again having doubtful thoughts, and deciding that all I had to do was finish this one, and I never had to put myself through this again.

I was exhausted about a half mile or so from the finish line thinking that I had lost my mind believing I could run, at that moment my friend ran back to where I was walking, and walked in with me.  Amazing, she kept spirits up, encouraged me and reminded me it was not a race but a journey.  When we crossed the finish line I cried a little, and once again made the promise to myself.  I can and will do this ~

Friends

One year later I RAN at the race where I decided I could be a runner.

Not only did I run, I was down three pant sizes and 60 pounds!!  That was my 10th race, so I decided to challenge myself again, I decided that my 10th race should be the 10K!  I came in last —- Dead Last, but I finished and I was so proud of myself!  My family was there to celebrate with me, my running friends were with me virtually, the only words I had strength to post were ’10k’  and the rest is history!

I continue to struggle at times, and get a bit lackadaisical.  But one thing I know for certain, I Love To Run!  And will continue to grow with taking care of myself (not my weight)  and expand my ways of exercise, and distance in running.  Is that a half marathon I hear calling my name?

 

Blossoming Self ~~

I have yet to start to feel comfortable writing, I sit and struggle with where to begin, how generic my expressions should be since just about everything in life is connected to another person.  I do know my heart is leading this adventure and it wants to write, to unleash many unspoken emotions, desires, hope and even the unwanted. This blog is the place I am giving myself permission to step out and explore; to find my authentic self.  This blog is putting to rest the person who has laid just below the surface, the one who quietly moved along in life, while doing all that was ‘expected’ of her.  The good daughter, loyal employee, the Mom, the lover who allowed herself not to be first in the relationship, thinking everyone else was just a bit more important than myself.  This blog is peeling away another layer, and getting me closer to a life that is filled with truth, laughter, light,and most importantly,  love  🙂

I recently began to embrace that there is no one more important in my own life, than myself.  Without starting here, there really is nothing to share with anyone else.  I first started to learn that lesson physically a few years ago when I became ill and found myself home sick for months while the doctors poked, prodded and drew blood trying to find a concrete answer to the issues.  The lesson I learned; “you have to listen to your body, your spirit, your inner voice” when they start telling you that you are tired, emotionally, spiritually, physically or all of them, you must step back and not only rest, but replenish. This was an awakening for me, when I really started to peek my head out of the shell that covered my life.

And you know what really knocked me?  Was that when I looked around I saw so many of my friends, especially the women living at the same pace.  Task, Task, Task, little bit of laughter, Task, little bit of loving, career, Task, Task.  ugh.  Without any passion.  After that experience, I found myself parroting the ‘self help’ truth sayers, saying things that felt unfamiliar coming from my own tongue (still lack of courage)  but I felt safe speaking the words of others until I started to find my own words. I knew I had to learn myself how to live life with passion, and with “truth” being the leader, not allowing the “people pleaser” to lead.  I had been hit with the reality, making others happy, did not necessarily mean it made me happy.  I had to learn to be truthful with myself, then to my child, then it began to flow to the others, and with truth, my passion started to trickle out.

Taking small steps in different areas of my life, I started to become truthful with myself, truthful with my word and meaning, to give myself permission to rest, (replenishing still look a while to embrace).   And one day I took a leap and tried on a dream I had for a long time, and not only ‘did it’ BUT ‘did it well’, and with flair, and fun, and laughter. WITH PASSION!!!!  The experience was such a rush, such a self esteem booster that I became the poster child for the phrases; “Scared?  Do it anyway”  and ‘If I could do XXXX, you can do XXXX.”

Today I am a lifetime or two away from my past and still reaching towards my future. Most days are good, hopeful, positive, filled with laughter, desire, and the belief in true love.  And some days not so much, but even on those days, I hang onto the good, not allowing myself to fall too far — usually.  But another lesson learned, when I do feel myself sliding back, I call in reinforcements, those who love me, those who will understand that particular hurdle and I allow them to encourage me, hug me, talk me off the edge, pick me back up and onto the path of light.

Namaste

This video came across my path early this morning, a true sign, for myself, and I hope for you also.

 

Determined —- it’s a good thing

When life is pulling at you, and there seems to a string of negative wrapping itself around you, what do you do?  You get happy of course!

Not always so easy to do.  Ever feel like it comes at you in waves?  Right now I have a full plate, the feelings of frustration and disappointment are actually palatable, I even had the thought of smacking someone upside their head.(no worries, I won’t)

The primary issue is caused by an individual who thrives in negative, meanness, and betrayal, provoking in me all types of negative feelings and thoughts but then I realized this is what the person wants from me. As I struggled to find calm in the waves of anger, a vision bubbled up in front of me – the word “Stop”.  I was giving away my power and the happiness that surrounds my life.

In an instant, I decided to make a quick mental grateful list, focus on my work, not the “crisis”, to listen to the comedy channel in my ear buds and fixate on the positive that surrounds me, the people who make me laugh, I allowed myself to spend to spend a little extra time with folks who wanted to chat, laugh and catch up at my desk, they were grounding me, they were clueless to their role.  At the end of the day, I realized I had completed a bit more than what was on my task list for the day, and I would have thought the opposite for the time I took away to chat.  But I think the good fairies came by and sped my work along so I wouldn’t walk away feeling guilty today too.

Even though my life isn’t Perfect, Life is pretty good.  I believe you have to find it in the small things and turn them into the cherished things, moments that you look back on and smile, or maybe even bring a tear to your eye.  You set the limits and the expectations of your life.  You can attract positive, you accept the mediocre or simmer in the negative.  You can embrace your life, or push people away.

Myself, I consider my life a small and simple one, I haven’t traveled the world, I don’t have deep pockets, but what I do know; I have heart and a deep soul, I am loyal, loving, respectful, a good friend, and dream of being a good partner one day.  I enjoy laughter, good music and positive encouragement.

And I wish for happiness, love and peace for each of you.